Sunday, September 30, 2012

Is beating children right?


I first became aware of children being hit when I was living with my husband and his three young boys, aged 11, 9 and 6.



I can’t remember what Alberto, the middle one had done, but suddenly his father took his belt off and began to beat him. Everywhere, not just on the legs or his bottom. Alberto was screaming and cowering in the corner, shrieking “Papi no” over and over again. I yelled at him to stop and ran over managing to pull the belt away and stood in front of Alberto protecting him. I was furious, having never seen anything like that in my life. Yes I was smacked when I was a child, but never with a belt, always with hands and on the bottom or legs, not all over my body.



My husband told me that it was standard practice here in the DR to beat children with a belt when they were naughty, and it was the only way they would learn. That was very difficult for me as I did not want to interfere in his child rearing – he had had the children on his own most of their lives – but on the other hand I did not want to have to witness that type of event ever again. I told him that in the UK and USA children were put in ‘time out’ and he looked at me as if I was a raving nutter, explaining that these were Dominican children and they had to be taught in the Dominican way and sitting them on a chair in a corner in ‘time out’ would achieve nothing at all.  We agreed to disagree although he never hit them in front of me again. Having said that, sometimes he would disappear off with them on the scooter into the woods and when they returned the children would have red rimmed eyes and scuttle into their bedroom as soon as they had climbed gingerly off the bike.

Many people would visit us over the years and all would comment on the children’s delightful behaviour. They would never answer back, do everything when asked, lay the table, clear the dishes, wash them up, clean the garden – all without being asked to, and always with a smile on their faces. It made me wonder if maybe the Dominican child rearing methods had some sense.

Corporal punishment in the DR is unlawful in schools under the Education Act  and the Code for the System of Protection of the Fundamental Rights of Children and Adolescents. However it is not unlawful in the home, and almost all children are disciplined by being beaten at some stage in their lives.  From what I can tell it is more likely to be the father than the mother who does it, although several mothers do, and boys are more likely to be beaten than girls.


A few days ago I was sitting in the living room and there was a blood curdling scream from the street outside. The screams went on and on. I went out and saw a young Haitian boy lying in the dirt road being savagely beaten by the owner of the local colmado, the corner shop.  He was using some sort of vine, like a whip. People stood in the street and just watched as this young kid, probably around 7, screamed and screamed as he writhed on the ground, but was unable to protect himself from the beating. I went to run out and yell at the guy to stop, or to call the police, but was pulled back by one of my stepsons, who told me not to interfere. He said that the kid was a thief and had been stealing from the colmado. Now he wouldn't do it again.


Every evening I sit here, at my computer, listening to the sounds of the barrio. Cocks crowing (obviously have no idea when the sun rises as must be on Dominican time), music playing in the colmado, people chatting as they sit outside their houses on plastic chairs, the sound of dominoes being banged down on a wooden table, and every so often, not every night, the desperate screams for help from a child being beaten.  Cowering under the table, or behind a chair, or running barefoot along the street being chased by a furious father pulling his belt off his trousers as he runs, yelling at the child as to what he is going do to him. The father always catches them, and the kids just curl up into a ball in the gutter trying to protect themselves as they are mercilessly beaten. People watch, no one interferes, no one helps the child, no one asks the father to stop.

I know I shouldn't interfere however much I feel I want to.  It is not my country, nor my child, and maybe smacking children does them no harm. It is true that in my experience most Dominican children are probably better behaved that those from more developed countries. I cannot stop feeling guilty though every time I witness a child being beaten with a belt, or hear those heart rending screams, breathless sobbing and see normally happy faces screwed up in agony with tears coursing down their cheeks.


Should I interfere next time?

26 comments:

  1. I lived there for a period of time before. Don't interfere, you'll only get yelled at and told to mind your business.
    I do agree though that the children there are better behaved, but I'm not sure if beating them mercilessly is the reason.
    I would dare say that with the high rate of domestic violence, maybe men are doing it because beating is what they learned by their fathers, so they in turn beat their partners? Just a thought

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    1. I think you are right re the cycle of violence - people don't discuss with their partners nor children they hit instead. Lack of education too. I wonder why the children are better behaved?

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    2. I'm not sure why they're more well-behaved. I taught English in an institute for a time there and found the kids WANTED to learn, not like a lot of ungrateful urchins in Canada. I think in that instance, it's because they want an education that they see as a way to progress, where kids in Canada take it for granted.
      In the situations you're discussing with doing things without being told (setting tables etc) may just be that it's normal for children to help their families with chores and they generally dont just sit around watching tv and playing video games, they're much more active.
      I think that the society in general values family (not in all ways obviously) and children help their families because they appreciate them more I think.
      BUT, I do think that fear does have some to do with it. My boyfriend is Dominican and he told me he would fear his father so much, he wouldn't even so much as speak to him when he came home from work for fear of angering him somehow.

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    3. Agree with everything you say! I think what I sometimes took as respect for parents may indeed be fear instead - it is sometimes hard to know the difference.

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  2. I lived there for a year with a dominican famuly where both the mum and dad hit the children. The worst beating I remeber was when my 7 year ols "little-sister" got hit with a broom over the head so her earing got ripped off and she bleed from the head, and the broom actually broke in two. I was not allowed to interfere but I just couldn't watch without commenting or crying myself, and that usually made the mother uncomfortable enough to stop the beating. In a way, dominicans are taught to solve their issues wirh violence, which probably is the reason to why there are so many unnecessary deaths in the RD. Breaking old traditions is never easy bur with baby steps maybe they'll get there some day.

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    1. Thanks for posting. I think it is almost worst watching and not being allowed to do anything than being beaten. Hopefully slowly Dominicans will learn to talk to solve issues instead of using violence.

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  3. And are they better behaved due to fear? I was brought up similarly in Canada, and I behaved out of fear, I have raised my two daughters as a single mom very differently and they are very well behaved through respecting and loving them, so no I do not think it's right. My heart sank when I read your blog today.... I have been visiting the country for quite a few years and going back in a week, for 3 weeks, it's a topic I will be bringing up with my RD friends. Thank you Lindsay, keep up the great work!

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    1. Please do bring the topic up and ask your friends. It is much more widespread than people think, remember it is not against the law to beat children in the home. I have no idea whether fear makes them better behaved, I know I just hate seeing it.Congrats on your kids!

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  4. Hi Lindsay , very interesting topic and also very personal for me. I am of Caribbean background and definitely not a stranger to corporal punishment in my home growing up. I am now a parent myself and me and my Dominican wife do use this method of punishment at times. What I would like to say as a Child Protection services worker is their is a big difference between spanking and abuse. Some of what you have described sounds more abusive in nature. Also I think it is wise to not interfere in a crowded situation because as a white foreigner you might appear as being disrespectful of the culture. What might be a better intervention is for you to educate the people with whom you have a close and trusting relationship with and hopefully they will be able to see the benefit of alternative measures of punishment. But then again being British corporal punishment is very much part of your culture No?

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    1. You are right Ricardo that I cannot seem to be disrespectful but to me there is a big difference between a smack and a beating with a belt, stick or rope. Yes caning was a part of British culture, especially in boys public schools but is now against the law there. It is a great job you do and I would love to know how I could educate the people here to stop them beating their kids.

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  5. I believe saying something won't help, as Tonya says you might get yelled at,told to "myob" and they'll keep doing it anyway. My husband and I have tried to do something about it when we see neighbor hitting their kids, but they don't bother to change. The main cause for this is the lack of education, love and communication. Although a great deal has change since our grandparents era, many continue the abuse and think it is OK.

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    1. Yes Mari. It probably needs some sort of overall training and education, to teach people about what is right and wrong re child rearing. I am sorry that your neighbour does it as well.

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  6. My heart sank at this post. How awful that the little boy was beaten because he stole. There must have been something else the owner of the colmado could do to make the boy understand he was doing the wrong thing. I remember my mom hitting my bottom once in a while, nothing much, at school I was never hit and with my kids I might have hit their bottom 3 or 4 times if that, as I also believe you can solve things through talking and explaining.
    Hopefully time will bring some change as that type of beating can be quite traumatic I would think! And yes, I think kids might be behaving well out of fear and not out of duty or kindness. In my belief beating does not bring respect but only fear!

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    1. I think they think that telling the child stealing is wrong just wouldn't work - especially when the kid was hungry. I agree beating will only bring fear though.

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  7. Oh dear. I have just typed a very thoughtful comment, Lindsay, but when I clicked on Preview, it sent me to the sign-in page, and the comment disappeared. Infuriating! Serves me right for not saving it first, of course. Never mind, I'll write about it on my own blog one day!

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    1. Sorry it disappeared. Now you have me wondering what the comment was!!

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  8. Well, Lindsay, it was really, really clever and well-written and provocative and everything. I am going to write it in my own blog, as threatened. Watch for it tomorrow or Thursday, or maybe later in the week.

    It's a tough subject, the smacking of children. I smacked my young son, when I felt he deserved it; it was always followed by a hug, which seems hypocritical, I guess. Once he accused me of not loving him (as kids do), but I said "No, that's not true. Right now I'm mad as hell at you because of what you did. But love is forever. It's a separate thing." He must have believed me, because he never repeated the accusation.

    Did it do any lasting damage? I don't know. I have apologised to him, and have been forgiven. We've always been very close, and I was a house-father for five years. He is a gentle chap in his mid-30s now, still something of a hippy. He has never smacked his children, and nor has their mother, and the kids are beautifully behaved. So, maybe I was wrong. Ah well, it's too late now.

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    1. Or maybe you were right and that helped to make him into the person he is today? I think telling children you love them is even more important than discipline. I don't think that happens here, especially amongst the poorer people. I will investigate more.

      Have put your blog on my blogs I follow list so that I remember to check for your post!

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  9. My father used his belt for punishment although not to the severity that you mentioned here. This was in the US and I learned many lessons from my father's belt.

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  10. Growing up in the Caribbean I was no stranger to flogging. My mother wouldn't flog us when she was angry, and reserved the egregious cases for my father to handle. He flogged me once, for hopping on a truck while it was reversing - funny how I still remember that after 40 years. And I never tried any dumb stuff like that anymore. You don't want to stunt a child's development, and surround them with constant flogging as even this method loses it's effectiveness after awhile. But sometimes when there are lessons to be learned, I prefer they be from a caring, loving parent. The flip side of this is the discipline could maybe one day come from the police. . .

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  11. I think everyone agrees that children need to be disciplined it is just the severity of it that I disagree with. Agree with you Brien better parent to keep the child on the rails than the police. But if the kids get used to flogging being right then they will just do the same to their kids - or to people if they themselves become a policeman.

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  12. This was our subject of discussion last dinner. Though none of us have kids, some do work with children and we come from different backgrounds, hence have differen childhood memories of punishments and education. I do not advicate physical (or even phsycological) violence, however you find that kids in the UK are very rude and have no respect for adults. Because they know they cannot be punished, they abuse the situations and it is not unusual to hear about teachers attacked by students. There has to be a solution in between these 2 extremes! I believe that children need to be educated by example, so whatever you do at home is essential to develop their behaviour and you can't tell to do something if you don't do it yourself.

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    1. I agree with you estirador - kids here are very polite but I do not know if it is out of fear or respect. I think on the whole it is respect, especially for teachers although the poorer kids tend to have more respect for the adults than the richer ones. People I know teaching in private schools for richer children have a much harder time of it than those teaching in the public school system. The copying of parents is vital - somehow the circle of violence needs to be stopped and not passed down from generation to generation.

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  13. My child is one of those sweet, well behaved Dominicans you mention, and we do not spank her. I spanked her only once, and it was a stupid thing to do. I realized that the spanking was an expression of my own frustration and did not constitute a lesson to the child. I swore I would never spank her again, and I haven't. There was once a family to-do when my mother in law saw fit to slap the child, and I objected and told her not to do it again. The family, as you know, is very matriarchal in its way, the grandmother wields a lot of influence, so she didn't take it kindly, but there are better ways to educate a child and a grown up hitting a smaller being is just a form of tyranny.

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  14. Hi Lindsay!

    First of all I have to say since I found your blog some weeks ago I have been reading every single post from the beginning because your blog is fantastic!!! I love seeing my country from the eyes of such a wonderful and creative person. Such sincerity in your posts, showing both the good and the bad. I am very grateful because you are showing me things about my country I didn't even know.

    Well, I've been tempted to write a comment before, but I wanted to get up to date with the posts first. This post, though, was so well written I had to thank you. Thank you for wanting to do something about it, thank you for caring. I currently live in Puerto Rico, I am 23, and I am familiar with the "dominican punishment", and it also breaks my heart to think about it. I do believe it is mostly fear what makes these children behave so well, and I hope parents will show more love and teach their children respect in different ways. I have no children, I am not even married yet, but when I become a mother I want to remember what I am writing now, to stay away from physical punishment as much as I can, and to talk, explain, and show love to my children.

    Thank you Lindsay,
    Pam ^_^

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    1. Thank you so much Pam, and I am pleased you are enjoying the blog. I love it when Dominicans enjoy what I think and feel about their country.

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